" For more than a decade, the United States and other nations have pursued patient and honorable efforts to disarm the Iraqi regime without war. "
Translation: After the Gulf War, we continued to bomb Iraqi targets, occasionally blowing up the odd civilian or two. We also established so-called "no-fly zones" in the northern and southern portions of the country, zones which were not established or validated by the U.N. We also pushed the U.N. into establishing economic sanctions that prevented Iraq from obtaining food or medicine for its citizens. There's also the issue of radioactive waste floating around from all those tanks and things we destroyed with our depleted uranium shells, but no one's called us on that yet, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.
Over the years, U.N. weapons inspectors have been threatened by Iraqi officials, electronically bugged and systematically deceived."
Translation: Iraqi officials allegedly used some of the same tactics that we used recently to attempt to sway the opinions of some U.N. delegations in favor of pushing our latest war resolution. Of course, they don't seem to be doing it anymore, but they're still not cooperating to our satisfaction. Not that they ever could.
Peaceful efforts to disarm the Iraq regime have failed again and again because we are not dealing with peaceful men.
Translation: We never really wanted to "disarm" Iraq peacefully; I mean, that should be obvious at this point. But, hypothetically speaking, if we did have any faith in the diplomatic process, we're aborting it now because it would take way too long, and we want to get started with our plans now.
"Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised. This regime has already used weapons of mass destruction against Iraq's neighbors and against Iraq's people."
Translation: Okay, so we don't really have any intelligence that we can show you proving that Iraq has any weapons that aren't already public, but you should just trust us, okay? I mean, we sold them a shitload of weapons back when we needed Hussein to take out Khomeni in Iran, and that's pretty much when he used those devious weapons, unless you count the times he gassed the Kurds in his own country or his invading Kuwait, both of which our intelligence agencies knew about (and, in the latter case, approved). But, HE STILL USED THEM! And, trust me, when we invade, we'll find some "nucular" weapons SOMEWHERE. ('course, we might have to bring them in and stash them, but what's the difference?)
"[Iraq] has a deep hatred of America and our friends and it has aided, trained and harbored terrorists, including operatives of Al Qaeda."
Translation: And yes, Iraq hates us, like most Arab nations do, and we also don't really have any conclusive intelligence that we can show you that connects Hussein to Al-Qaida, but TRUST US, it exists. We'll tell you what it is after the war is over.
"The United States and other nations did nothing to deserve or invite this threat, but we will do everything to defeat it."
Translation: There really isn't much more of a threat than normal to the U.S. So, we didn't do anything to deserve or invite this new threat (that doesn't exist), but we'll go ahead and defeat it just the same. So that it NEVER exists. Because you never can be too careful.
"America tried to work with the United Nations to address this threat because we wanted to resolve the issue peacefully. We believe in the mission of the United Nations."
Translation: We really, truly, wanted the United Nations to see things our way, because it would look a lot better for us if they were on board in helping us do this. It might make the whole operation look legit! But they wouldn't bend over for us, so we're just going to do it without them. But we still believe in the U.N. and all...just look at Britain? They're a member of the U.N., and they're supporting us!
"Today, no nation can possibly claim that Iraq has disarmed. And it will not disarm so long as Saddam Hussein holds power."
Translation: It's obvious that no nation can claim that Iraq has fully disarmed. There's absolutely no way an Arab nation in the middle east sitting atop all that oil would ever completely disarm themselves, especially since we gave them all of that cool stuff way back when. It's the perfect trap! They can't lie about it, and we can use this to justify our going in there.
" For the last four and a half months, the United States and our allies have worked within the Security Council to enforce that council's longstanding demands. Yet some permanent members of the Security Council have publicly announced that they will veto any resolution that compels the disarmament of Iraq. These governments share our assessment of the danger, but not our resolve to meet it."
Translation: We've been trying to muscle the Security Council into doing things our way. But some countries, namely that damn Germany, France (I mean "Freedom"), and Russia are dead-set on disarming Hussein peacefully, and following international law, whatever that means. But we'll show them!
" Many Iraqis can hear me tonight in a translated radio broadcast, and I have a message for them: If we must begin a military campaign, it will be directed against the lawless men who rule your country and not against you."
Translation: Duck, motherfuckers, because we're going to be blowing away every Iraqi we see. Don't come out until it's over.
" In free Iraq there will be no more wars of aggression against your neighbors, no more poison factories, no more executions of dissidents, no more torture chambers and rape rooms."
Translation: In free Iraq there will be no more wars of aggression against your neighbors, no more poison factories, no more executions of dissidents, no more torture chambers and rape rooms. Of course, there will never be a "free Iraq." But you don't really want to hear that.
" And all Iraqi military and civilian personnel should listen carefully to this warning: In any conflict, your fate will depend on your actions."
Translation: Duck, motherfuckers, because we're going to be blowing away every Iraqi we see. Don't come out until it's over.
" In desperation, [Hussein] and terrorist groups might try to conduct terrorist operations against the American people and our friends. These attacks are not inevitable. They are, however, possible."
Translation: Duck, motherfuckers, because we're going to get a lot of reprisals for this, and I'm not claiming responsibility for any American that gets blown up by someone who's pissed at me. Just blame Saddam Hussein! I know I will be.
" Free nations have a duty to defend our people by uniting against the violent, and tonight, as we have done before, America and our allies accept that responsibility."
Translation: I am lying to you. Don't believe anything I say, because I'm not acting in the interests of anyone in this country who doesn't make a shitload of money and give me some of it. But my speechwriters needed to put something in here that sounds credible; if you're hip, you'll catch the irony in my statements.
25.09.2003-Epilogue.
30.08.2003-Exeunt, the Moor.
28.08.2003-why?
27.08.2003-Last night, and august in general.